so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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