my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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