Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
