when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I lost the right to judge tonight
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
