Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
