I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need to calm my uterus...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
