I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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