Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
In America we eat man semen.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Text me some of your sweat
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