Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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