I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
