He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
