Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
