You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
