Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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