did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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