I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
In America we eat man semen.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
