well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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