She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
