I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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