Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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