On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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