i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
