I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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