I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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