Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
