i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
