If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
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