If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
