I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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