can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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