My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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