weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
