And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My dick has a subreddit
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
