I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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