i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
