At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How's work?
Spinning.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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