Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
