my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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