the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
