did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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