shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
