Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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