i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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