Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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