you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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