your parents love me but you hate me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
