Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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