ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
