I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
