That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
